RANT: A Letter to the Only Working Toilet


Dear only working toilet in women’s bathroom:

Hi. It’s me: the girl that visits you at least three times a day from 8am to 5pm. I try not to. I try to avoid you until I get home, but I can’t. That is why you and I need to talk. I’m sure you are aware of your little problem. Your sensor is messed up and decides to flush every 30 seconds whether my ass is sitting on you or not. If you were a domestic toilet, this wouldn’t be such a problem, but you are a commercial toilet with a powerful flush. This makes it quite unpleasant when I’m sitting on you and 30 seconds later you behave as a bidet.

The Daily Situation, Take 2: What I Do


“So, what do you do?”

Sweet Jesus, I hate this question; it infests DC like no other place I’ve lived. I get asked it every time I meet people, be they at or bar, friends of friends, spontaneous conversations in Safeway—hell, ragged old ladies sometimes accost me walking down the street, just to find out what I do. My job lacks the excitement or concise definition of most vocations, so I normally just lie about it.

You Rule, Vietnamese Waxer Lady


My regular waxer was not available and I just could not bear the wild, untamed amazon bush jungle that my, well, bush had become for another day.

So I came to you on my lunch hour, Anonymous Vietnamese Waxer Lady who works at the cheapie nail place. We were mere strangers before this afternoon, but after knowing you only an hour, I feel like I must point out the reasons why you rule.

No more - this is my line in the sand.


Editor's note from Oskar K. Tannenbaum, PhD.
What follows is the last known recorded work of Anthony F., shortly before his disappearence on March 15th, 2006. Researches speculate that Mr. F succombed to his unfortunate habit of overscheduling himself and committing his time to too many people, and left his final words of guidance for mankind on the eve of what he understood to be a potentially permanent descent into madness.

half a box of condoms - w4m


It is a beautiful sunny Sunday, and my relationship status is such that I am cleaning out my sock drawer. I get to the bottom, and discover 5 blue, foil squares. Ah...old friends, I remember you well. The optimism of buying a box of 12. The butterflies in the stomach on the night of your unveiling. And now you sit abandoned. And, it turns out, soon to expire. I'm a frugal sort. I hate wasting anything. So now I've got a timeline for final deployment: Nov 2006. I'm very task oriented--I love working against a deadline.

10 reasons why I hate being a woman:


10 reasons why I hate being a woman:

1) I am so sick of my period! One-third of every month is negatively affected by my period. I am either sick from cramps, bloated beyond belief, on it, finishing it, too emotional, not emotional at all, or just simply not myself. The right months are worse than the left ones. Ortho, Depo and the others do nothing to help.

W4M Postings - What this guy thinks.


I read the W4M postings, mostly for entertainment value. I think how a person "advertises" him- or herself is very telling, and might reveal a bit more than the poster had intended.
  1. No picture in your posting probably means few responses.
    It's been noted time and time again that men are visual creatures, and that's true. People who post pictures of sunsets, clouds or other such things in place of a decent photo of themselves might get a few extra viewers with the pic notation, but won't get any more emails. Same goes for the extreme close-up picture of just one eye. Who am I, your optometrist?
  2. "I'm so bored!" or any equivalent phrase, especially in the posting title.
    Boy, nothing gets my interest up quite like a 24 year old Ritalin addict with the entire Internet at her disposal, yet who is still bored. This sends up all kinds of warning flags with me.
  3. Not looking for sex...
    No, of course not. Guys look for sex. Women look for companionship, snuggling, and spider killing. WRONG! Yes, you are looking for sex...or, at least a relationship where hopefully there will eventually be some sexual element. That's why you've posted on W4M. All the rest goes under "Strictly Platonic" or "Casual Encounters."
  4. Pictures of you with animals, or mention of your pet by name in your posting.
    I'll be heavily flamed for this, but I'd be willing to bet that most guys don't want to start up a relationship with someone who has "boundary issues" with a pet. This includes: animals that sleep in the bed with you, animals who must accompany you everywhere (No, they don't "get lonely" - YOU DO!), or animals with medical conditions that require your presence at least every 8 hours. If you have them, cool. Don't make them a part of your posting though; it's bad salesmanship.
  5. Bad photos
    This could probably be under #1 above, but I think it stands on its own.
    Ladies, every one of you has a picture somewhere that your friends think is the best picture of you ever taken. Guaranteed. The Bay Area is (for now, anyway), the high tech capital of the entire planet. Somewhere there is someone willing to scan this picture into a digital format, cleanly block out the faces of any other folks in the picture, crop it and play with the contrast and brightness to make it a great photo. Get your geeky friend to help you.
    Group photos of more than 3 or 4 people ("I'm the one in the pink") get so darn small when you upload them to CL that it's like playing "Where's Waldo" while looking at ads. Plus, having only you in the photo eliminates the boorish "Hey, I saw your ad. Is the blonde in your picture seeing anyone?" emails. (Seriously, it happened to a friend of mine. Some guys can be real dicks.)
  6. Laundry lists of what your ideal match would have.
    This is fine, but when you present your "wish list" as a "demand list", well...'bye! I can understand having and expressing preferences, but to present them as absolutes is very limiting. A friend of mine has been happily married for almost 18 years to someone who wasn't anything like his "ideal girl". It could happen to you.
  7. No dick pics!
    Hey, no argument from me. I've always figured that if a lady wanted to see a guy's package, all she has to do is ask. What do these guys who post pictures of their junk do at bars, I wonder? Then again, maybe I shouldn't wonder.
  8. Creative spelling
    OK, I'll admit it. I'm a bit of a old fogey when it comes to spelling and grammar. I'm still shallow enough to think that the way you present yourself in this medium is a reflection on you. Would you go out on a first date in your old ratty sweats? If you're unsure, have your geeky friend who did your picture show you how to use a spellcheck program. For bonus points, have him or her show you where the "Shift" key is and how to use it. Trust me, good writing is sexy! (Or so I hope).
All right, I'll leave now.

RAVE RAVE RAVE: "I'll take you where you need to go"


So this morning I'm running late for school as usual and am cross and frustrated and tired after staying up all night to write a paper and generally just in a relatively "Blech" mood.

Luckily I was able to make the bus, but only because it was held up with all the construction going on in front of U Village which has turned 45th into an absolute (if temporary) nightmare.